Well Wow.
I can't believe that I haven't posted a blog since August.
To say that time has flown would be an understatement. I last posted at like 124 days out from Ironman Cozumel. And here I sit. 19 days away from the race of my life. Probably one of the most hard earned important days of my life. And yet, unlike my previous treks to the 26.2 mile mecca, I haven't written a peep.
Sure, I've posted updates on Facebook. And my clients, family, close friends all know what has transpired in the past months. But all in all, I haven't really been able to, or felt like, putting this experience into words.
140.6 miles. 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run.
I can say this. It's been so different than I imagined. When I signed up on May 20th, I envisioned 6 months of training, turmoil, transformation, etc. But never did I realize how much this experience would change me. Change my world. Change. And I don't necessarily do well with change.
I am a control freak.
I don't like change. Especially change that I. Well, that I can't control.
Nothing in my life has been controllable the past few months. Not even my training, my miles, my schedule. It has all turned out to be such a fluid experience. Maybe I could summarize it in saying that it's been somewhat like Hurricane Season on the Gulf Coast. Unpredictable, storms popping up, coming ashore and battering things to a pulp in a matter of days, then trailing away leaving those in its path to deal.
Dramatic? Maybe...but that's how best I can describe it.
Nothing has been what I thought it would be. Am I grateful for that. Absolutely. Did I plan for that? Not in the least.
I can't even really tell you where it began, but I guess I could start by divulging that, for me, personally, so much has changed.
I started to write this a couple of weeks ago, and I kept thinking, at that point, that in this 20 week process to Ironman, I had lost so much.
Lost. Loss. Lose. Loss.
Because that word is so synonymous with my experience. I won't make this entirely about that, but I will speak on it. I've lost quite a bit in training for this race.
I've lost some faith in the familiar and in the good. Blind faith that everyone is good, everything works out for the best, and things that you love will always be there. I think this experience, in general, has been the culmination of a 2 year total change in my life: workwise, social-wise. I'm not the same person as I was in 2009, 2010. Or 2011. Is anyone? But I've lived the change in my life, I've weathered the friendships that crumbled, the people that didn't understand how I could go from not being active to being super active, I've dealt with all of that. This experience compounded some of it. So to say that things have changed for me on a personal level would be appropriate. (Keep reading...I'm not a complete Debbie Downer today...)
I also lost my drive a couple of times. Not completely, but I definitely "fell off the wagon" a time or two. Whether it was my schedule....
It has been said to me...."of course you can train for an Ironman! You don't have kids AND you are a personal trainer, all you have time to do is train!". Really. That sounds neat. I will obviously say yes, I don't have kids. That would make this immensely harder, can't even imagine. And sure, to an extent I have a more flexible schedule... (does anyone want to work my 5am-11am and then 4pm-8pm schedule??? Flexible yes...always functional...Nope). But to anyone that wonders, I am scheduled to "work" 35 hours or more a week (my choice). And that doesn't include run team practice hours, or hours planning workouts, or meal plans, or online training client responsibilities, or answering all the questions I get every day, or making running schedules, etc. Newsflash to anyone that has no clue. I WORK. I adore my job...it's my life, but I don't spend all day training myself. I've had to squeeze in my workouts like anyone else. I've been a victim of not making it to the pool because I've had to work all of the hours it is open. And I've also gotten on the bike to do 2-3 hour workouts when I've gotten off of work at 8:30pm and have to go back in at 5am. I will grant you that it may be easier in some ways. Obviously, I don't have a long commute or put in 60 hour weeks (MY HUSBAND DID THOUGH...) but I don't wake up every morning and have a full day to do whatever I please. I work a pretty physical, split schedule job that I love and adore. For most of my training, I have had "work" responsibilities 6 days a week. Rant over...
So that's been tough. Trying to balance what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, and what my body would allow me to do has at times brought me to my knees. I've cried a lot, I've needed a nap, or a day to sleep in without having to get up at 5am...but more than not, I've just been moody or grouchy (again...God Bless my Husband...). And some days I woke up, when training was absolutely positively necessary, and I said, "NO." Not today. Do I regret those days. I could, but that doesn't do me a whole lot of good now.
Which leads me to...
I lost a lot of free time. What in the ever loving hell did I do when I didn't have to fit in 2-4 hours (6-10 hours a day on weekends...) a day doing cardio? Did I really sleep that much? I marvel at the fact that just yesterday, I rode my bike for 2.5 hours, then ran 9 miles...and called that a "light day." Neato burrito?! If you look at my toes, I haven't had a pedicure in a long time. I haven't had a hair cut in well...I have no clue, and I don't think I've put on a full face of makeup but maybe the one time for Celena's birthday, Halloween party, and my Sister's wedding. And that is no joke. I rarely dry my hair. I don't brush it most days, and usually, you can find me looking like I just rolled out of bed, or got out of the shower...because I did. I've spent a lot of time doing things that I could do while riding in the aero position on my bike on my indoor trainer. That would include things like: online shopping, facebook, instagram, and reading US Weekly. But if we are talking about making time to do things that don't involve pedaling and watching reruns of Sex and the City. Then nope...haven't done much of that. My ass has been glued to that bike seat.....A LOT.
On the upside, I lost a lot of fear. In mid August, I had a major bike meltdown. Kristofor and I went on a ride outside...and I was chased by dogs. I love dogs. I have 4 of them. But being chased by them ...scared me to death. I was paralyzed with fear. For 3 weeks, I made up excuses about why I didn't want to ride outdoors. My tummy hurt, I had a headache, my knee was weird. And I would get up and go ride in the comfort of my bedroom. Truth was...I was petrified of the dogs. It took a random night involving 4-5 vodka sodas for me to admit the truth. And when I tried for the first time, I got chased by 4 dogs but rode 85 miserable hot miles. And on my century ride (100 miles) we got chased by 5 different packs of dogs, some more than once! I got over it. I also got over my fear of swimming in a group. And I got over my fear of running with my run team and letting some of the girls run faster than me. Which FOR-EV-ER has been a no-no. Must be the fastest. Not so much anymore. Sure, I still like to be in front, but you know what...I don't have to always...and that's ok.
You know what I have not lost? Weight. I think when I started this, the most common phrase said to me, by many was....you are going to get so skinny. Yeah well...I like to eat. A lot. And lots of cardio makes me eat like a 200lb man. And that is no lie. I could challenge anyone to an eating contest. I haven't eaten crap...but I did eat to fuel...and I am happy to say that 19 days out...I have not lost a pound. In fact I gained 3lbs. But my body fat has dropped...which means I managed to maintain/gain muscle. So I must've done something right.
Do you see where this is going?
I've gained a lot too.
In all the "loss"...I've found and gained some valuable things/lessons/skills as well.
I've gained a bit thicker skin. I've tried to use this experience on a whole to become just a bit stronger mentally. Sure physical-ness has gotten me through the training, but come race day, like always, its all in my head. I've tried to not let little things bother me so much. First 85 mile ride...every little wrong thing caused a melt down. Culminating in me wanting to be left in a ditch and picked up. By the time I did my 100 mile ride...I calmed down a bit, didn't let the heat or the chip seal roads, or wind conditions we didn't plan for get to me as much. And I felt better. AMAZING! And I know that even though there are hundreds of people rooting for me, loving me, supporting me...there are probably a few that are rooting for me to fail. And that's fine. 2 years ago, I would have let that eat at me. I would have stressed and "tried to make it right." Now....Let them root against me. It lights my fire. And if you're reading this and you have said such things...I know who you are. Gig is up. I also learned to tune out the words of those that may not understand why. Even in the most loving of ways. One of my Aunts (who I love a whole lot) told me "honey you don't have to do this...we know you can, it's ok." (She is scared I'm going to end up in a hospital in Mexico...). I have learned to take that and move forward. Not everyone is going to understand why. Sometimes even I don't (especially when I'm on a loooong bike ride...). But I've learned to get past the "whys" the "please dont's" or the ever so important "she will never because'es". 6 months ago, I would have crumbled at that. Now...it just makes me want it even more. If anything, I've tried to let this all be a lesson to be more like a duck. Let the water roll right off my back.
I've gained a lot of faith in those that have truly been there for me. I've gotten so much closer to some of the fellow triathletes in my community. I've learned so much from some that have done this before...or those that have just been doing triathlon in general for longer than I. I've met some ridiculously amazing cyclists, and some brilliant swimmers, and they have been so generous in helping me learn, get better, and understand how they got to where they are at. For THAT, I am so so thankful. I could never repay the handful of "coaches" that have reached out to me with advice and tips. All of your "I believe in you's", "you look so much better today's" and "you can do its" have transformed my confidence. I am so lucky to have had people help me with cycling, swimming, nutrition planning, just breathing, etc. I've never been without knowledge, I've always gotten the answers I've needed, from all sources. And that is a beautiful thing.
MOST IMPORTANTLY! This may sound like a broken record, if you've read any of my prior blogs. I have once again found that the group of ladies I surround myself with are 100% for me. They are. FOR ME. I have close to 100 ladies doing a challenge involving my Ironman this month. I get texts and calls and messages all day, every day. I've been outfitted with nifty mouth guards (BONNIE YOU ROCK!), my client Claudia sat with me during my one and only ALMOST ER visit (Best Dr. EVER!), my friend Jessica Ochoa has also seen me through some sniffles and swelling, and my client Crissy's hubby, Dr. Siragusa has systematically been keeping my body running efficiently and pain free for months now. My friends and my Bod Squad family are so invested in me succeeding. All my fellow trainers and instructors have hugged me and loved me through every mile (they've also listened to me yell...more than once...), and my girls I train and run with have listened to my stories, understood when I was so tired I could hardly move, and put up with me. How lucky am I? I will do everything in my power to not let them down. All my peers, all my girls, all my runners, from the bottom of my heart. You make me want to do this, for me, and for us.
Lastly, NOT LEASTLY...I've gained a true partner. Kristofor. Even though, yes, I've wanted to strangle you (yes...that is the right word) at points. And during our last ride when you were singing Journey and we were at mile 81, I did want to wreck my bike into yours. BUT. You have never given up on me. And you never told me that I couldn't. You told me what I needed to hear even when I didn't want to hear it. (and told you I didn't want to hear it...) And you held my hand when I've cried. You held my hand when they put IVs in my arm, and you helped me hobble to the bathroom. You held my hair when I puked from exhaustion, and you didn't leave me in a field at mile 72 when I asked you to because I was "too hot to finish the ride." You stuck with me. Hell, I would have left me in the field. But you've lived up to every vow we've made to each other, even when Ive been downright terrible. And you still love me. Most of the time. And I love you. Most of the time. And in Cozumel...I promise to not freak out too much...because I know you will be freaking out. Because you still freak out when I do a sprint triathlon.
So there you go. I'm 19 days away. I'll probably check in again. Or maybe not. It's time to taper and let my body relax a bit. I've felt a bit beat up the past week. Who would have thought that through all this...my yucky knees would be fine....its a dang shoulder that is giving me fits this close to the start line. But I know it will all work out. I've had enough ups and downs. It's time for this to be smooth sailing. It's time to eat. It's time to relax, breathe and surrender (THANKS HEATHER!), and let this beautiful journey come to fruition.
I'm almost an Ironman. Almost.
Thanks for cheering me on!
Lacy
