I was going to wait until AFTER Saturday's show to blog about what I've been doing the last 11 or so weeks. BUT, as I sit here less than 48 hours away from finishing this journey, I decided I'd do a little pre-show check in to give my thoughts on what this whole thing has been like, what my experience has meant, and where my heads at.
Soooooo...Saturday, I'll step on a stage. I'll be all tanned up darker than this fair skinned ginger has ever been tanned. I'll put on 4 inch heels and a bikini that was custom made for me that barely...and I mean barely covers my backside. And I'll walk out on to a stage and be judged against other girls that are wearing scarcely nothing as well. And someone will win, and someone will not.
There are parts of the above that excite me so much I get giggly and goosebumpy and so anxious I have to pee. And there are parts of it that terrify me, bring out my worst insecurities, and make me doubt my decision to do this in the first place.
Why the excitement? Well, because I've put in a lot of hard work. I've spent hours with the weights, even more hours in the kitchen cooking, and I'm ready to see the fruits of my labor. Why am I terrified? Well, because I'm epically hard on myself. I nit pick my body, my progress and my abilities to death when it comes to this sort of thing. And because especially as the "beauty regimens" of this whole process have come and gone...I've realized that this is so out of my comfort zone that it makes Ironman look like a dream event.
Somewhere in the midst of all of the marathons, triathlons, becoming a trainer and a "workout-aholic"...I've lost a lot of my girly-ness. Somewhere along the way the last 5 years...I've become pretty low maintenance. Something no one would have said about me in my younger years. Don't get me wrong. I've never been a girl that spent hours getting ready for school or work. But in the last half-decade, I have changed from someone that used to wear full makeup daily, fix her hair daily, and put at least some effort into her daily attire...to someone that owns very little makeup, I just cut off my hair into a style where I don't even have to blow dry or brush it, and I usually get dressed in the dark at 5am and rarely match. I feel most comfortable when I'm in spandex, I don't even own a real bra that fits, and I dislike makeup so much, I take it off the moment I can when I HAVE to wear it.
I'm a tomboy.
So Saturday when I'm all dolled up; tanned, makeup-ed, hair primped and fluffed, painted nails and toes that don't look like they just went through a meat grinder, I will probably feel a little foreign. But hey, they say getting out of your comfort zone is a good thing, it makes you grow. And I have grown a little bit the last 11 weeks, so I would say this whole thing has been a success.
Post Ironman Texas, I knew competing was something I wanted and needed to do. It has been an aching and burning pain in me that I didn't finish what I started in the Spring of 2013. I don't quit things. And I HATE that I quit on prep. Although, my reasons were good, I can honestly say that the biggest reasons that I didn't make it to the stage time #1 was because of nagging insecurities and an unwillingness to put myself out there for all to see. I wasn't ready mentally. Physically my body told me no, but I think my body told me no so much because my mind was not convinced that I could do this type of thing successfully. That's a hard thing for me to admit. I could sit and blame my body for disagreeing all day long, but if I'm true to myself, I know that my mind had a lot more to do with it.
So what's changed? I hate to belabor the same point. But, becoming an Ironman this past year really did transform what I'm willing to go through mentally. I had no choice but to face my worst fears about failure, "not being good enough", and pushing through when your body says "no you can't." Even though there have been times the past 11 weeks (more times than I would care to admit...probably weekly, daily during the toughest parts of carb cycling and depletion...), I tried my best to face myself and not let the lingering doubts of "you can't do this" get the best of me. Overall, mentally, I was just more ready to tackle prep this time.
Don't get me wrong. This has been hard. I have cried and lost my shit a lot. My husband should think I'm a crazy person. Because I am. And I did want to quit. Even a week ago, I wanted to sink into a chair eating a vat of Velveeta with Frito's and give up. But I'm better than that. I know that now. So I didn't let it get the best of me even when I really really really really wanted to.
I think my biggest accomplishment on Saturday will not be whether or not I get the first call out. Not whether I get a medal (doubtful) or get a "Pro Card" (highly doubtful), it will simply be to be able to walk out there, naked for all to see, and be 100% ok with what I am and how I look. I could write an entire other blog that would go on for pages and pages about this. But stepping on that stage and being ok with what I've got will be the biggest accomplishment this process could possibly give me.
And you know what's cool?
No one can give me that ok feeling except for me. It's not in the hands of judges. It's not in the hands of my coaches, friends and family that will come cheer for me. It's not in the hands of the other competitors. It is my choice and my decision to be 100% ok with me and myself in that moment. It's up to me. I am enough. I've tried my best, and that is all that matters as long as I believe that. If I can make that happen on Saturday, then I have won.
Now someone please remind me of this Saturday evening :)
Thanks for cheering me on,
Lacy
